b-day

well, feeling better now...I talked to Christine and she really helped me sort things out. Had a pretty good birthday yesterday. Quiet, yes, but good. I still wonder pretty often if "off-ing" myself wouldn't be the best option. It's the cowards way out, I know, sometimes it just seems like there IS no other way. It's really fucking hard to go through all of this. I just feel so pathetic. Occasionally I have days, even weeks, when everything seems possible, and I get stuff done and I feel somewhat normal, but then reality creeps back in and I sink again. Right now I'm kinda blah. Not really feeling much of anything.

I've been having a shitty week and I'm not entirely sure why. I've just been so fucking down and on edge and grumpy and down on myself. I hate where I am in my life. It's not fucking fair. Why can't I just be like everyone else. Shit. WHY? I am so afraid of what is "out there" while everyone else (especially people my age) seem to enjoy "out there" so goddamn much. What the hell is wrong with me. I'm fucked. I swear I am. I cut myself and have tried to commit suicide. That 'aint normal. I can't do anything right. All I do is shit myself through each day and sigh with relief when it's over. I'm good for fucking nothing. I have no talent, no worth, nothing to give back to the world. I'm a parasite; leaching off of my parents. But ya know what the funniest part is? I can't seem to bring myself to do anything about it. God, I am so ashamed to say that. But it's perfectly true. I'm just not good enough. I suck at everything. I'm so shit scared of everything. People, school, choices, fuck I'm scared of life itself. I feel like I have this huge weight on my shoulders and the thought of that weight scares me so much all I can do is hide. I'm pathetic. What the fuck am I good for huh? Nothing. FUCKING NOTHING.

People try to help me, but they just don't get it. How can they. They've never been here. They don't know how I really think and feel and I can't tell them. I just wish I didn't have to do this anymore. I wish I could get out of here. Please god help me get away. I can't stand to live like this forever. I just want to die. But I can't. I can't. It would kill my mom if I did. I can't do that to her. I just can't.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder"~Eleanor Roosevelt

Katrina called me today. It was so good to talk to her again. I don't even know how long its been. ..what like 4 months?! INSANE. How did I let that happen?? God, I'm horrible at keeping in contact with people. I mean, I think about my friends a lot, but I just can't seem to make up my mind to call them. Anyways, she seemed really happy. She's at Western, like pretty much ALL of Hillfield. It is actually nuts how may Hillfielders go there. Like 30! Or some crazy-high number like that. But she's doing well. But, she also told me that Thom, my best guy friend's, (or former friend? I haven't seen him in forever) Dad has left him and his mother, after something like 30 years! I can't believe it! He left them for another woman too, which makes everything so much worse. I got his new E-mail addy from Katrina though, so I'm going to E-mail him and try to talk to him about it if he wants. I just feel really sad for him. I can't imagine losing my dad just all out of the blue like that. How awful. I really hope he's ok.

"There is a time for many words, and there is also a time for sleep"~Homer

Tired! My family had a huge garage/estate sale at my Gradma's house today. She recently moved into a retirement home, so we organized the sale to get rid of pretty much everything inside the house (furniture, pictures etc. etc...). We gave a good portion of the furniture away to relatives before hand and kept a lot of the really nice stuff. The grand total was something like $2000, which isn't so bad considering what we were selling. But god am I TIRED!! I had to get up at 5 AM today! On a weekend! Torture! Need sleep. Post...more...later...zzzzzzz

"Life is just one damned thing after another"~Elbert Hubbard

I have neglected my blog a bit over the last few days. I've been really busy what with parties and courses and doctors appointments. Really not much to report though. Just getting through the days. My mom and I had a bit of a confrontation today though. Well, actually it was probably more like a discussion accompanied by tears. I just really get the feeling that she doesn't understand me or what I'm going through at all. She makes me feel guilty all the time about stuff that's beyond my control. As though, if I would just "try" hard enough I could make things all better. She denied it when I asked her directly though, said that wasn't what she meant. But whatever. Things are all messy.

"In order to preserve your self-respect, it is sometimes necessary to lie and cheat"~Robert Byrne

I cheated. Instead of braving the glaring eyes of 50 strangers in my house I copped out and am now essentially hiding out in my room. Bored you might ask? meh. Not really. I have my laptop and some DVD's to give me plenty of occupation. I've also started reading "Life of Pi", which is so far pretty good. I probably really should have gone down and at least said "Hi" to my departing neighbours, but I just couldn't face all those bloody people invading my space. I am a hermit.

"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do"~Joe Walsh

Ga! Stupid internet/computer/blogger! I wrote a nice long post last night which explored my feelings about where i'm at in life only to accidentally delete it! Here's how it happened: I was almost done typing the post when I accidently hit some button and the 'save' window came up. No problem with that really, but when I came back to my blog to publish the saved message it wasn't there! I then looked at the support page but couldn't find any help so I E-mailed the Blogger staff only to receive a reply that told me that my problem is a bug that they are aware of and trying to fix and sorry but they could not retrieve my message. Grr.. It was a semi-decent post too!
Well enough complaining. I'll summarize it: course isn't too hard so far. Got a lot of work done. Drew had his first day at hillfield. Things went ok. I'm glad that I never have to go back there. Feels good to be steering a course of my own. Think I'm finally feeling better. Still trying to figure things out.
And that's pretty much it, although I think it was perhaps presented in a touch more of an eloquent fashion in the old post.

Tonight my parents are throwing a big party for my neighbours. The Robertson's have lived in my neighbourhood for a long time and they are now moving away. Spent a lot of time today and yesterday making the house look somewhat presentable. It's going to be so weird because I hardly know most of the people around here. A lot of them are older and the ones who aren't have young kids. Both are not the type of people I normally socialize with. Hopefully I won't have to make too much small talk. I suck at small talk. Why does one have to pretend to be interested in the petty details of some random persons life? And why, for that matter do they have to pretend to be interested in your own? I just don't get it. It's awkward and pointless. And I suck at it.

"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step"~Lao-tzu

Nothing much happening today. My bro left for uni last night. We got a new fridge for the basement delivered this morning. I'm tired as hell. And that's pretty much it. Haven't recieved my package yet, but it should.......

hee. Well thats ironic. Just as I was writing that I hadn't got my stuff yet my mom announced that a package had come for me. And guess what? It was from ILC! Anyways, the material looked rather complicated at first, but after some more reading it seems a little more doable. So, I think if I manage not to procrastinate too much I should be able to get through it decently.*crosses fingers* Hopefully my brain still functions on a somewhat decent level.

"The great oaks of the forest do not grow in each other's shade"~Kahlil Gibran

Well, I made some more "improvements" (if you can call them that) to the site. Still looks pretty shitty, but it's the best I can manage at the moment given my very limited knowlegde of html. Oh well, at least it's original.

Looking back on my entries to date, I realize that they are extremely disjointed and random. I guess that's not a bad thing though, considering the reason for having this blog in the first place, which is: to vent on any subject which occupies my mind at the present moment. Come to think of it thats kind of how I express myself in person as well. I'm wierd. But, nevermind, to each their own. So, my apologies, random readers, but that is the way my entries here have to be.

humpf. I just remembered that i'll probably be getting my package from ILC sometime this week. I await it with much trepidation.

Shut eye

God, I do this to myself all the time. I stay up each night until I'm dead tired. This usually means staying up until 4:00 AM. I do this regardless of whether or not I have to be somewhere early the next morning. It's stupid!! Why do I do it?? I'm doing it right now!!

*sigh* My brain is incomprehensible.

Grr.

Ga! I've been searching the net for the longest time, trying to find a decent template for my blog and when I finally find one, I realize that I can't use it unless I have blogger PLUS! Christ on a pancake...frustrating! But, then again, that doesn't really make sense, because I've seen tons of people on here with snazzy templates who still have that annoying ad on the top of their blog and so therefore must still have the regular blogger!

So, in conclusion, I am confused. And shall probably remain so.

Humbled

I really did mean to finish off my previous thought. Truly I did. But, you see I began looking at some of the blogs of members at a forum I frequent. This forum, the WD, is full of very intelligent, articulate, internet-savvy people. One glance at those blogs and I am humbled. No more basking in the glory of my newly created masterpiece (read:this site). I must strive to improve myself.

Me thinks..

I have spent the past hour or so just looking at other peoples blogs on here. It is incredibly weird to read the private thoughts of a compete stranger, and yet, somehow incredibly ineresting. One would think, since I have no idea who they are and therefore shouldn't really feel a real emotional connection to them, that it would be boring to read their daily musings. But... it isn't. It's fascinating. I truly feel sorry for and interested in the people whose blogs I just read. One guy was living in his van (he writes in his blog at his friends house), another woman has been forced to give over custody of her children to her ex-husband because she can't afford to keep her kids. I think it must just be basic human nature to find the lives of fellow beings of ones species interesting, whether they physically live in your life or not. One feels connected to them simply because they are human. One of your own kind. They, on the most basic level, are given at birth the same thing that you are given: a mind. It is amazing to get a glimpse of what other people have done with that resource. Interesting to read not only about what they have accomplished but, more importantly, how they feel about what they have accomplished.
Hm. I have to think some more. I'll finish my thought later today.

"I am so smart! S.M.R.T!"

hee, I love the Simpsons

Yay! I started messing around with my template and, lo and behold, I managed to figure out how to re-size and re-font the title as well as get rid of the ugly blue borders previously surrounding the page! I would still like to put up a proper border surrounding my title though. Perhaps in photoshop? I dunno, we'll see.

Yes, yes, I know it's really late and I need a sufficient supply of beauty sleep, but I have nothing on for tomorrow and so I feel no guilt in staying up as late as I want.

On that note, it's time for bed.
nite. nite.

Back from the Movies

Got back a few hours ago from seeing "Johnny English". It was pretty decent, with some rather hilarious stunts (such as Rowan Akinson pantsing the Archbishop of Canterbury.hee). On the other hand it had a terrible plot but that's kinda to be expected with these kind of movies I think.
Anyways, when I got back I started to try and figure out how to use this bloody thing. I finally sorted out how to put comment links on (grovellers, post away!) but seeing as I'm still very shaky on html, the rest, such as altering the massive title, is still a part of my vast ignorance.